Compromising Positions

A sex ed blog with more

Demisexuality

I’ve had a fascinating realization about myself: I am demisexual. For me, this means that I need to have an emotional connection with someone before I am ready for a sexual interaction. I need to know that there is mutual respect, that I matter, that we get along, and that we have established a baseline of trust. I suppose this means that I am a heteroflexible demisexual. I feel like spoken word needs to come out of this; I’m into it.

That being said, there is a sort of spectrum of demisexuals, and we fall on the asexuality scale. Some rarely experience sexual attraction outside of a romantic relationship, some rarely at all, while others (like myself) really like having sex and it can be romantic or not. All of us need to have an emotional bond first; I have always dated friends, I like having sex with my friends, and I have crushes on people, like, all of the time. (Please note: this does not mean that I want to sex all of my friends!) It seems like other people figured out that I’m demisexual long before I did. How fascinating!

Dating these days is tricky for demisexuals, what with modern technology. Certain dating apps are certainly not set up for making friends or creating connection. It can be a lot of work to set up a friendship, whether or not the intent is to have sex. For me, I make friends easily. I can find connection with just about anyone over the course of a few hours. Hint: asking questions and laughter are great ways to build connection. Get to know me and share parts of yourself with me, ask me questions and remember the answers, and we are far more likely to have a sexual interaction. I care most about how you treat me and the connection that we have, but connection and friendship don’t come so easily to everyone, which means that some demisexuals spend years cultivating friendships before they are ready for or interested in a sexual relationship.

Demisexuality can be subtle. As someone who studies sexuality and spends a great deal of time getting to know herself, I can verify that this is certainly true for me. I am getting the sense that many of us are demisexual without realizing it. If you are someone who has never had a sexual encounter with very little conversation or prior time invested (I’m talking less than 2 hours, you know a couple of basic facts but not much more, there were very few questions asked), or it takes you a while to want to have sex with someone, or you have more pleasurable sex when you genuinely like the person, it’s possible that you are demisexual. I encourage you to think about your dating and sexual history to find patterns.

There are different kinds of demisexuality, each impacted by who one is attracted to. Please note that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different categories.Here is a list, though goodness knows it is not comprehensive.

Aromantic: experiencing little to no romantic attraction
Asexual: experiencing little to no sexual attraction

Greyromantic: experiencing romantic attraction sometimes to certain people
Greysexual: experiencing sexual attraction sometimes to certain people

Heteroromantic: experiencing romantic attraction to another gender
Heterosexual: experiencing sexual attraction to the another gender

Biromantic: experiencing romantic attraction to two genders
Bisexual: experiencing sexual attraction to two genders

Homoromantic: experiencing romantic attraction to the same gender
Homosexual: experiencing sexual attraction to the same gender

Panromantic: experiencing romantic attraction to all genders
Pansexual: experiencing sexual attraction to all genders

I wonder if my love of love impacts my demisexuality. I am a supremely loving being: I love love. I love giving and receiving love, in many forms. I want to love the shit out of people; and some people are super into it, while some are overwhelmed. I think presence is key to loving, which means that I work hard at being present, though I recognize that it is not always possible. I think the world needs more love, especially right now. Take care of yourselves, and take care of those you love.

Here’s a cool resource about what demisexuality is. And here’s a sweet article by Bustle that was the final light bulb moment for me! I can only speak for myself here, so please share your voice and experience if you, too, are demisexual 🙂

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