A sex ed blog with more
“Let’s Talk About Sex, baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex!”
This seems to be difficult for a lot of people. I know some couples who never discuss sex with each other, and rarely with others. I would assume these couples are pretty vanilla; which is totally okay if that’s what they’re both into. But how are they sure they’re enjoying the sex if they don’t talk about it? This confounds me because I obviously love to talk about sex, but also because I am intrigued by the idea of not discussing a shared experience with the person you’re sharing it with. Since I am confused by the lack of communication, I can imagine that those who don’t communicate are probably nervous about sex discussions that they are, or are not, having.
Personally, I tend to have a bit of a freak out when I need to admit something or share something that I think is embarrassing. I get all flustered and sweaty and extra awkward. Then, I say something along the lines of: “I want to tell you something and I’m super scared and it’s probably not even all that big of a deal but right now it sure feels like it and I don’t want to look at you so I’m just gonna turn around and talk at the wall but I’m really talking to you okay? Okay.” Note the lack of breathing. So, I get it; talking about some things can be super scary.
I’d suggest the first thing to do is to quit sex shaming. There is a fantastic TEDx talk by Alyssa Royse that succinctly explains the power of Ask & Tell. She says “Anybody that wants to take control of your sexuality does not have your best interest at heart.” Sexual shame is super powerful, and what we’re into is all normal as long as it is consensual and between adults.
As for having conversations about sex, creating a low-risk environment is key: when one partner opens up, it allows the other to do the same. Being open-minded and having trust in a partner can also significantly aid in any discussion. You can show that you’re curious and interested by talking about yourself (interests, things you’re curious about – as simple as learning more about something), and asking simple questions like ‘have you ever thought about x?’ When I start with the lack of breathing and looking really scared, my partner will hug me or hold my hand and wait patiently for me to be ready. I can’t really explain it, but that kind of patience and understanding makes me far more willing to get through the difficult topics.
Technology is a great way to explore what’s happening in the relationship. A friend directed me to this rad website: http://www.mojoupgrade.com/ which allows people to fill out a survey about sex individually and then only answers which were the same are returned. You can choose whether you want the kinky stuff or not. Note: it seems to be directed at hetero couples. Also, email and text can allow you to express things you’d like to try or do without having to face potential embarrassment. This can allow the beginnings of open communication that may lead to a greater understanding of sexual desires and fulfillment. If you don’t feel like using a website, you could create your own survey that you can do together.
A little social lubrication i.e. a drink or two, also significantly helps to open up discussions of any kind. Playing a game with friends, be it drinking or not, can also lead to learning more about a partner and others e.g. Cards Against Humanity or Never Have I Ever or True American (from the TV show New Girl).
Statistics often force people to re-examine their own thoughts about a particular issue. There seems to be a stigma of “someone you know…” e.g. 8% of the population is gay, so chances are, someone you know is gay. 20% of people self-identify as ‘kinky’, says Alyssa Royse.
One male friend I spoke to said that he chooses to work up to what he likes. In his words, “I can’t just cum on a girl’s face! I have to ease into it and make sure she’s cool with it.” He says there are steps to get to that point. So, if you start at point A, then B, then C, eventually you’ll get to D and it won’t be quite so scary. Things become acceptable the more they’re talked about. There are a tonne of fantasies that many hetero males have that are completely commonplace and now accepted as normal fantasies: sexy librarian, nurse, French maid, Leia in a gold bikini. This is likely because these things are pretty commonplace in Western society, and in fantasies they are simply wearing less clothing. They no longer hold a negative stigma. The more things are talked about, the more we can all understand and relate to them.
Another suggestion is having a veto option: Wanna try x? Nope – veto; no discussion required. Being able to say no means that the yes is more powerful. To sum up: ask questions, have a drink, use technology to begin a discussion, and use the friends you’ve got to help you out. Heck: use this!
It can be as simple as ‘what is one fantasy you have?’ and if the person doesn’t know, that’s okay – you can learn together if you want to. Use the above examples as fantasies that are socially acceptable to admit to. A few other questions that might work: What’s your favourite position? Is there anything you’d like to try that we haven’t? Is there anything we do that you’re not really into? You could say that you would hate to continue doing something another person doesn’t like, cause it’s no fun for you if not everyone is having a good time. A great goal is that you want real mutual enjoyment. Bite the bullet. Go for it. You can do it! You can do it all night long!!